Before the skies turned orange

I wrote this before California became enveloped in smoke last week, and just was too anxious and depressed to finish the posting. But posting it now since I might like to read it someday. Last week was tough. We made it through, but many signs point to more wildfires this Fall, not to mention a worsening from the ones that are still burning. 

This is what I saw around 11am on Wednesday, August 9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had quite the historic weekend here. Record highs in the Bay Area. Terrible air quality for much of the time. And a sleepless newborn. 

And yet, we also managed to have fun. My in-laws visited, and the timing couldn’t have been better, for us, anyway. 

On Saturday morning, M and I went for a jog (I ran and she sat in the Bob) and then visited the daycare/preschool that she and Y will be attending this Fall. Her current preschool, which we love, doesn’t offer an infant program, and we luckily secured spots for both in a different well-regarded center. M will start in October, and Y will start in November. M seemed to enjoy the visit. She thought that I was going to leave her there right then, and didn’t seem to mind too much. So hopefully she’ll be OK with the transfer in a month. 

My in-laws arrives in the afternoon and played with M after her nap while my husband and I worked on getting Y to sleep. Which was not fun. He proceeded to have one of his worst nights, if not the worst, since we brought him home. Barely slept between midnight and 3:30 am. Seemed like something was bothering him, so we eventually gave him some Tylenol, and that seemed to help. 

Saturday was hot, but no terribly, and the air quality was decent. But we mentally prepared ourselves for Sunday. 

Sunday morning, O and I ran together! For the first time in a year, maybe? It wasn’t long, but it was nice. That was our “date night”. After the run, everyone got ready to drive to the beach - everyone except me! I got to stay home and rest, and it was fantastic, even though my attempt to nap were unsuccessful. I just lied down and rested without worrying that somebody could wake me up any second. And performed some minor chores. 

That afternoon featured 100-degree heat and terrible air quality around the Bay Area. It felt claustrophobic and kind of apocalyptic. We blasted our portable A/C unit, which helped a lot, and rotated the air purifier around the house. I got some additional time to read and do some organizing, but the whole evening featured an undercurrent of sadness and low-grade despair. 

Baby Y thankfully slept much better that night, and so did we. The A/C unit was so crucial. On Sunday morning, we got ready for another day at the beach. Since many Bay Area beaches were closed, purportedly to help avoid the spread of COVID, it appeared that the entire Bay Area convened on Ocean Beach in San Francisco, since that was open. Yep, so instead of allowing people to spread around multiple beaches, the local governments forced them all to one (albeit a very big one). 

Ocean Beach looked like Venice Beach - I had never seen it so hot or so crowded. Thankfully there was still plenty of room for distancing, we busted our our new tent, and enjoyed the warm day - which was really quite amazing if I didn’t think too hard about the reasons for why it was so lovely. 

O and I were each able to jog near the beach while the other parent had Baby Y in the ergo and the grandparents entertained his older sister. Baby Y slept pretty much the whole day, with short breaks to eat and wiggle around in the tent for a bit. 

Around noon we decided to forego heading home for M’s naptime. My in-laws headed back to Los Angeles, and we texted some local friends and decided to stick around until the early evening. M enjoyed the friends when they arrived, and I finally cajoled her to get into the water, of which she had been scared earlier. She ended up having so much fun jumping in the waves! The water was cold, but not as freezing as I remembered it - and it was a very refreshing contrast to the air. Oh, and I walked with Y to get a cold brew from a fancy coffee shop’s takeout window - my first in about six months. I certainly appreciate them more now that they are a major exception to my routine. That place, Andytown coffee roasters, must’ve made a killing yesterday. That part of the beach has become more popular over the years, but days like that only come around once in a while. 

We ended up having a great day, even though M was exhausted and cranky upon arriving home, as predicted. Baby Y was also cranky and exhausted despite having slept most of the day - maybe that was because the Ergo sleep was of lower quality than stationery sleep? I’m thinking of bringing his portable bassinet next time and seeing how he does with that. 

It was certainly a memorable weekend - I am feeling quite worried and sad about the state of things in California (and everywhere, really, due to climate change) - but also proud of doing the best with what we were handed. And thankful for my in-laws’ visit, our car, and our A/C unit. And I realize this is super cheesy, but whatever. 

Parenting and accomplishment

I love achieving goals and crossing tasks off a list. I love to see tangible results of my effort, even if the results are questionable in value (like a sent email). However raising little humans, particularly newborns, often doesn't lend itself to neat bullet journal collections or project management software. The whole process is very messy, and progress is unclear. Not to mention much less valued by our society than sitting at a computer all day - you don't make money raising kids (other than if your company is paying you on maternity leave, but I think that's more about paying you so that you come back to work!)

I am so so thankful that I have this time to spend with my baby, and I will treasure these weeks always. But day to day, hour to hour? It's kind of boring. Especially when the baby will only sleep while held. I have done a fair amount of reading, but it's not particularly relaxing when a baby is squirming on your chest, threatening to scream at any moment. 

At least the rolls on his thigh indicate that I'm feeding him well!

This is just my perspective and others may disagree, and maybe even get angry upon reading this. Sorry! 

Baby Y is 11 weeks!

Baby Y is growing and becoming more and more adorable! As I write this, he is snoozing in the Ergo, and just appeared to laugh in his sleep. Does a "melting heart" emoji exist? 

During the last two days, he's begun to discover his extremities. He's sucking on his hand, trying to grab my clothes when I hold him, and looking at his feet moving. He's also blowing bubbles and is starting to drool a lot. My husband began calling him "Rudy Drooliani", but I recommended "Droolian Assange", since the latter possesses more redeeming qualities. (M was "Droolia Roberts" for a lot time).

He still cries a fair amount, usually when he's tired, but also smiles a lot throughout the day. He looks at us with such love, or at least that's how I interpret it. He is also becoming more proficient at creating sounds like "ooh" and "aah" in response to conversation or singing. He's also able to handle more independent time - in the bouncer, on the Boppy pillow, or on the playmat with little characters dangling above him. Maybe 10 minutes at a time. 

As I expected, things at 11 weeks postpartum are easier than they were at 6 weeks. We're even starting to approach something resembling a routine - the day-to-day events still change constantly, but there is some general structure. 

His naps still mostly suck unless one of us is wearing him, though yesterday O held him in the late afternoon on the couch and he slept for 3 hours. But generally not a fan of napping. This is annoying, but temporary, so I tell myself to enjoy the little munchkin on my chest as much as possible. I definitely wouldn't say that this stage is "going by so fast", but it's going nonetheless, and I will miss many aspects of it. 

Sunday - Beach again

We’ve really taken advantage of the California beaches this summer. Initially due to COVID, as they are a good place for socially distanced recreation. The water in Northern California is freezing (OK, not really, but quite cold). Plus the Coast near San Francisco is often foggy and overcast in the summer. Therefore, these beaches typically don’t receive the crowds seen in Florida or even in Southern California. 

For the last couple of weeks, we’ve also been escaping the smoke at the beach. I’m thankful this has been an option, since the last time the air quality was really bad here due to wildfires, it was even bad on the coast. 

All that said, staying positive has been difficult. I’m working on it because negative thoughts about the current air quality situation really don’t serve me in the short term, since I can’t do too much about it. However, my husband and I are seriously talking about relocating within the next couple of years because these fires will continue. We are hoping to stay with our current employers because we both like our jobs, and perhaps that will be easier now that the pandemic has disrupted previously held beliefs about teleworking. We are still in the very early stages of these discussions, so I have no idea where we will end up. But it’s fun to ponder!

Baby Y had a colicky breakdown yesterday evening, his first in a couple of weeks. Finally got him down after an Ergo walk outside and more Ergo time inside. Today he's been kind of cranky, so I've been carrying him a lot rather than helping him get "higher quality sleep" in his bassinet. Hoping for improvement tomorrow. 

Smoky again

 

Yes, that is a bruise. She fell off her fancy dining chair the other day.

The air quality in the Bay Area was bad most of the day. We managed, even though O also became sick with a cold. I succeeded doing a workout with M in the room this morning - about 5 minutes of spinning (had to stop because she was clinging to the bike), followed by a HIIT workout that I found on Spotify. She did some jumping and tried to imitate my burpees, too. 

In the afternoon, I took M to Sharp Park Beach in Pacifica because the air was fine there. Very windy and beautiful. She ran around, I watched some kiteboarders, and we almost got attacked by a squirrel who wanted our crackers and nuts. Let's hope tonight and tomorrow go OK!

Habits

The bike has come in really handy - COVID, smoke, newborn...

I admit that I’m a fan of self-help books and podcasts. The genre is not everybody’s favorite, and I agree with some of the criticism (and recently finished a book by a self-help skeptic), but I’m still drawn to it. And I do believe that consuming self-help content has brought value to my life. 

Many of the books I’ve read focus on the importance of establishing desirable habits. I’ve developed a number of such habits over the years, but I haven’t really been motivated to track them. 

For some reason during this maternity leave, though, I’ve finally begun some tracking. Maybe it’s because I’m craving some structure and control - since raising a newborn provides neither. I’ve also drawn inspiration from some of my favorite bloggers and their podcasts. Not sure how long I continue this, but for now here are the habits:

• Cardio exercise - at least 20 minutes of running or spinning. This is something I’ve done daily for years, so it’s a very ingrained habit, like brushing teeth. So not sure I really need to track it, but it helps with feeling accomplished. 
• Strength training - BodyFit by Amy 10-minute abs or arms four days a week, 30 push-ups on the other days. I hate doing strength training, so this is definitely one to track. I find that I have to convince myself that strength training is important. Apparently it’s good for bone density, though I don’t understand how that works. And it might help avoid injury. Finally, having a toned body looks better, but I don’t really care about that. All these reasons aren’t particularly exciting to me, which is why I had a hard time incorporating strength training into my routine.
• Meditation - at least 5 minutes. I either just listen to white noise or use this podcast. I’m not a fan of meditation apps, as I believe that they make this more complicated and can be distracting. This one is difficult for me, and I think it’s because I hold a vague belief that meditation is valuable, but I’m not sure what results I’m seeking or how to measure them.
• Blog or journal - I can draft something on my phone while holding Baby Y (like I’m doing right now) and then post it later on the computer. This one is an exciting habit. I love the feeling of having poured what’s on my mind onto the page, of seeing the finished product, and of knowing that I can go back to old posts and entries to remind myself what was happening at a certain point on my life and my family’s lives. 
• Reach out to a friend or a professional connection. This is a daily habit I’ve tried to put in place, but failed in the past. I’m not sure why it’s so difficult for me, but I know that I’m not the only one that finds it challenging. Maybe it’s some sort of social anxiety and a concern that I’m bothering people by reaching out to them? Not sure, but it’s something to explore. 

That’s it for now. So far I’ve tracked for less than a week, but it’s definitely helped me motivate myself to do certain things even if I don’t feel like it. The easiest ones are the cardio, especially running, and the writing. Meditation and reaching out to people are the most difficult. 

Again, I have no idea how I'll continue, maybe because I'm not convinced of the value of tracking. We'll see in a week. 

Some relief + pacifier weaning

Just a random pic from yesterday

 

Of all the things for which I’m thankful today, better air quality is at the top of the list. It seems like the fire crews are starting to gain some tenuous control of the fires, aided by favorable weather. Seems like many people still remain evacuated, which sounds just awful amidst COVID. I’m hoping that we’ll see some relief here for the next couple of months, but fire season is far from over, and there may be lots more smoke to come this Fall. 

I spent most of today trying to get Baby Y to sleep without his pacifier, which has become a big sleep crutch for him. It was manageable for a while, but I decided it’s tile to change something after spending over two hours re-inserting the pacifier into his mouth last night just so he would sleep. I just left him to cry for a while and then let him fall asleep on my chest, but without the pacifier. 

Today I had one success and one failed attempt at a bassinet nap with no pacifier. And two successful Ergo naps without the pacifier. He’s now been sleeping on my chest in the carrier for two hours. Not ideal, but progress. There’s been a lot of screaming, and we’ll probably experience more this evening. I’m not looking forward to it, but I keep telling myself that babies are more adaptable than we sometimes assume. 

In other news, I might be getting some sniffles. Don’t think it’s COVID, but still annoying. Hope it blows over. 

Beach tent and managing my thinking

Just some random updates for today:

• I bought a beach tent on Amazon. I'm not sure if we really NEED it, but I justified it by saying that we have to go to beaches and parks a lot due to COVID, and that my fair-skinned self and children need shade, especially the baby. We tried it out in the communal "front yard" of our apartment building yesterday, and M approved heartily. This morning she asked about setting it up again.
• The wildfires seem to be more contained, and the air quality today has been better than the last few days. Lots more green and yellow on that map. Thank you, Cal Fire!!!!!!! 
• Not that we can forget about climate change and natural disasters, with Hurricane Laura making headlines and causing evacuations.
• I am trying to learn to be OK with being tired. I hate being tired and I obsess about it, which causes all sorts of negative emotions. But there's not a lot I can do about it at this point, given that I have a newborn who's not an amazing sleeper. I wonder if the current popular narrative about "the dangers of not sleeping enough", "sleep debt", etc. is a bit too extreme. I would imagine that our minds and bodies evolved to withstand prolonged periods of sleeplessness. Need to do some research on that. 
• Random food update: I recently began sauteing green beans instead of steaming them, and they taste so much better that way! We are having green beans, tofu and rice for dinner today.

Baby Y is 10 weeks old

 I can’t decide whether the last 10 weeks have moved quickly or slowly. There’s a huge divide between the pre-Y times and now, but I feel like the time since his birth flew by more quickly than M’s first 10 weeks. Maybe because he didn’t scream nearly as much as she did. 

When I’m tired or frustrated or both, I find myself wanting to move to the next stage (sleep training, milestones like sitting up and talking, even going back to work). But when he’s smiling at me or sleeping like the sweetest angel, I want to freeze time and extend these moments as long as possible. After this, I’ll never have another newborn, and thinking about it makes me both sad and relieved. I’m guessing all these thoughts and emotions are fairly typical. 

Anyway, what’s Baby Y like at 10 weeks?

• He’s got very good head control and in now doing a strong “cobra pose” when he’s awake and curious 
• His arm movements are a bit less erratic and maybe more deliberate, but I don’t think he quite understands his arms yet
• He is now enjoying laying on the play mat and looking at the dangling figurines above. Sometimes he hits them with his hands, but I’m still not sure if it’s accidental or not
• His wake times are lengthening, but his “happy and awake” periods generally don’t last more than 20 minutes
• His sleep is all over the place, though I’m cautiously optimistic. Last night was better than the previous two - he woke up to eat at 11pm, 3am and then 6:45. He fell asleep quickly after the 11pm, not so quickly after the 3, but at least it wasn’t a two-hour wake period like before. He also annoyingly woke up at 5am, so I stuck a pacifier in his mouth, went downstairs and woke up O to take over while I slept a little more.
• He still really likes being in the Ergo - that’s his happy place. But I think he slowly becoming more comfortable in the bassinet
• When he smiles, the world is a happy place.

Now I am just hoping that the brave men and women battling the fires have some success sooner rather than later. I wish I could do something to help right now, other than just donating money, but I feel fairly handicapped. 

New week: fires, baby sleep, cooking

Today wasn't particularly exciting, which is fine by me. Baby Y was up for two hours in the middle of the night (well, early morning) after a feeding, and that wasn't fun. He was just looking around curiously for some of it. Very cute, but NOT AT 1AM, Baby Y! 

The fires are still...going. The air quality was bad around here for most of the day, but lightened in the afternoon, so I took advantage and went for a short run. Before that, I spent most of the day getting Baby to sleep. Not sure how many short naps he took, but it was at least five. Probably more. 

Reading:

- "All I Did Was Ask" by Terry Gross. I haven't heard any of the interviews printed in the book, so I may go back and listen to at least some of them. I think that hearing them is a richer experience than reading them, but you probably remember them better after reading. 

- Just started "So Good They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport. It's a quick read, and I buy into his argument so far.

Cooking:

- I made a simple tahini sauce yesterday in a nod to my husband's Israeli heritage, and today I mixed it with some shredded green cabbage for a really simple cabbage salad.

- For breakfast I had a HUGE oat smoothie. Blended Vegan Overnight Oats with some almond butter and a little mango for sweetness. It was good, but I had some indigestion afterwards. Will go easy on it tomorrow.

Now O has the baby in the carrier and I gotta pick up Y and start the evening routine. 

Sunday - Lake Merced

Took M to Lake Merced again today. It’s my new favorite spot. It’s often cool and overcast, so no need to worry about burning and overheating. And the air quality there has been better than the surrounding areas. We look at people jogging, fishing, and at the ducks swimming. Social distancing is not a piece of cake, but not terrible, either. There are a couple of port-a-potties, and they are disgusting. But if you need to go, you can pee in the bushes, not that I speak from experience.

M kindly sat in the stroller and had her snack while I ran somewhere between three and four miles around the lake. And she ran for part of it, as well - not totally sure how much, but maybe a fourth of a mile? I hope that’s her parent’s commitment to exercise is providing a good model for her. 

Sad smoky Saturday

Feels like most of California is on fire. I’m sad. I haven't particularly enjoyed the COVID shelter-in-place, but I never felt trapped like I do now. Part of me wonders if we need to drive north to a “greener zone” before it becomes too late. We’re not in one of the many areas threatened by fire, thankfully, but it definitely feels like it’s encroaching upon us. From the East, South and North. 

Unfortunately, this is not going to get better, because climate change. We’ve been talking about leaving California for a couple of years now, and we are seriously thinking about it more and more. One of our highest priorities for our family is being able to spend time outside, and if we can’t do that for weeks at a time, then we have a problem.

Running up and down a hill outside local elementary school

This morning the air on our area wasn’t terrible yet, so I got out for a short jog and then a walk with M. Then we all piled into the car and drove to Lake Merced in San Francisco, which was blessedly foggy and clear. But the air quality now is unhealthy for everyone, and being in the haze just feels oppressive and apocalyptic. M is napping/resting, Y is sleeping in my chest, but after M’s nap I think one of us will take her somewhere again. Perhaps even Lake Merced! Or elsewhere in San Francisco. The beaches are closed because the cities with jurisdiction of said beaches are (understandably) trying to prevent an onslaught of visitors. 

I have no idea what the smoke will be like tomorrow and what we’re going to do. And I am practically praying that M’s preschool will be open on Monday, but who the hell knows. They had to close due to poor air quality for half a day on Wednesday, and they might have to do the same again. 

This has been quite the six months. Scratch that, year. All I can say is - at least I’m not pregnant!

Weekend Report: Heat and Freak Thunderstorm

Written on Tuesday morning. 

We survived a 5-day “weekend” with two kids. M’s preschool was closed Wednesday through Friday last week, and so we were with a willful 3-year-old and a colicky 2-month-old for five days. Oh, and there was a heat wave throughout the five days and a THUNDERSTORM Saturday night through Sunday morning. We didn’t have AC and the thunder and lightening kept us up, though miraculously the kids slept through it. Plus COVID. 

By Sunday night, we were pretty exhausted and demoralized. M was being very clingy with me, clearly due to some jealousy, and very mean to her dad. This behavior is exhausting for me, hurtful for O, and sad for both of us. Hopefully it’s temporary. 

Tevas and a mask

Coyote Point in San Mateo

She played in the gutter for about 15 minutes and could've continued if I allowed her

Insisted on wearing her mask

Everyone including M was super excited for her to go to preschool on Monday. Even Y took a really good nap yesterday afternoon (almost 3 hours) to celebrate. 

Today I tried to put Y on some sort of flexible schedule and also tried a minor amount of sleep training for naps. My efforts were a total failure. He’s eaten every two hours or even more frequently, and slept less than necessary, so he’s probably overtired. But at least I haven’t carried him in the Ergo today, which is good because we’ve all become dependent on it for his naps and using it as a sleep crutch is becoming unsustainable since he’s quite heavy now. 

So sweet

Currently he’s sleeping on my chest as I write this. It’s peaceful and I will remember moments of this with partial fondness, I think. Oh, and we got an old portable AC unit from my dad, so now I’m my bedroom is cool and comfortable. Fingers crossed that we won’t be affected by the rolling blackouts that may occur on California this week!

Arts and crafts

I used to love crafting as a little kid. I loved drawing, cutting, gluing and coming up with new project ideas. I especially loved sewing. As a teenager in the US, I got the sense that these activities were "uncool". Ever since then, I've allowed my creativity muscles to atrophy.

Part of the issue is that I have, like many women, convinced myself that I need to always be productive. "Productive" activities generally include the following: paid work, childcare, cooking and cleaning, exercise, sleep (but only a certain amount) and investing in relationships - though this last one is definitely a more recent addition to the "productivity suite". I have a difficult time doing things "just for the sake of doing them" - and that's where crafting fits in. I don't feel that I'm going to advance my career or add much to my family's well-being by sewing or making decorative items, and I can easily buy much better quality versions of whatever I could make myself. That said, I do believe that working on projects "just because" is an important part of a meaningful and happy life, and it's something I do want my children to embrace.

Thankfully M is at an age where play without particular goals IS the goal, and I'm glad that it is forcing me to do some arts and crafts with her. At three years old, she is developing increasing coordination and interest that will allow for more advanced projects. 

My husband decided a few days ago that she should make birthday cards for two of her cousins. She's been learning about colors of the rainbow in preschool, and so we settled on featuring "rainbow cake" on each card. I cut out strips of colored paper, quizzed M on the order of the colors, and she helped me glue them. Then she drew the candles on top. The "design" was borrowed from a card that we purchased, so I can't say I was very original here, but I found this to be an easy and fun project to do with a three-year old! 

Up next - handmade Halloween costumers for the family! (haha)

Writing her name in the card

Mills Canyon - Baby's first hike

Today Baby Y and I hiked in Mills Canyon in Burlingame. And by "we hiked" I mean that I got super sweaty hauling him in the Ergo. Especially because I walked to the trailhead from my house in the warm August sun. Working on those buns of steel. Anyway, I think he liked it!

Leaves of three - let them be!

Overlook with SF bay views

Much of the hike was shaded, which was key. I would really like to get better at identifying plants and animals while hiking, but all I can say that I saw a LOT of poison oak and a lot of lizards. 

M has a "5-day weekend" starting tomorrow (due to administrative preschool closure) so we might try to hike this as a family. It's a 1.4-mile loop, but we will attempt to shorten it so that M can do the whole thing.

Weekend report

We had another fairly successful two-kid weekend. On Saturday, we did an "urban hike" up some pretty hilly streets and to a park about 1.5 miles away from our home. The playground was, of course, closed, but M still had fun running around the grassy area, and we were rewarded with awesome views of the bay and SFO from the park and on the way down. After the park, both kids napped and I was able to take a previously-thought-impossible 1.5 hour nap next to Y. In the afternoon, M played with a few kids from our building in our shared outdoor space.  

On Sunday we made it out to Sharp Park Beach in Pacifica for a socially distanced meetup with a friend and her son who is M's age. The kids played together because keeping preschoolers apart is just too difficult, and we are reasonably OK with the relatively small risks, especially now that Y is a little more established and M is back in preschool. 

Back to preschool...for now

M helping with food prep the other day!

M started back at preschool this week. O is back at work half-time and from home, so I still have opportunities for breaks, which is very nice. I mean, would I like some live-in help to take care of household tasks and help with childcare? Sure! But having your (very helpful) husband still at home seven weeks postpartum when you have a very fussy/colicky baby is pretty nice. 

Speaking of the baby, his sleep has somewhat improved lately due to some...eh..sleeping modification that we made that may or may not be approved by our pediatrician. But we were at the end of our rope because he would...not...sleep on his back without being held. Last night he still woke up every 1.5-2 hours to eat for part of the night. And I nursed him. But I was able to sleep between the feedings, and at 2:30 O took over and I slept downstairs until 7. So I'm feeling tired today, but it's a "normal person" tired rather than "my body hurts and I want to cry" tired. 

No energy for hair and makeup, though

Currently reading:

"The Dutch House" by Ann Patchett

"Anatomy and Physiology or Dummies" - decided to revisit some old human biology knowledge, what with COVID and two little kids...always useful to know the basics

Mr. Money Mustache blog (devouring via the eponymous app on my phone)

Listening to:

Too many podcasts, including the following:

"2 Docs Talk" - for the same reason as "Anatomy and Physiology" - so I can be a better consumer of healthcare, as much as I don't want to be a consumer of healthcare

"Weight Loss for Busy Physicians with Katrina Ubell, MD" - I'm not a physician and I'm not really trying to lose weight, but I'm a working mom with a sometimes stressful lifestyle, and I've had some long-running issues with emotional eating that have hampered my quality of life. Dr. Ubell's content is spot on because she focuses on thought and emotion management, which are always at the root of any overeating problems - in my experience, anyway. 

"Fresh Air", of course, though I haven't been listening to that one as much as I would like, given how impactful it can be. It always just seems like the other podcasts are lighter and easier listening, so I opt for the others. But "Fresh Air" is always worth it. 

Exercise these days

Years before my kids were born, an older colleague with two kids once remarked, "Exercise is a dream now". As someone who's pretty committed to exercise, I found that comment somewhat depressing and remembered it ever since.

I am happy to report that I have maintained a daily exercise habit with one kid, and am now committed to doing so with two children. It definitely requires creativity and multitasking, though, as well as a willingness to break up workouts into chunks. Even if gyms and workout classes were and option now, a 90-minute or longer excursion would indeed be challenging with two little ones.

Baby Y is almost 6 weeks and I didn't feel ready to work out till about a week ago (much faster recovery than after the first childbirth, though), so I've been doing the following:
- On weekends, I jog with M in the Bob stroller most days. Thankfully she is willing to sit in the stroller for about 20 minutes, which is the typical duration of my jogs.
- Fit in strength training where possible. For example, yesterday I did this YouTube workout from my favorite YouTube fitness instructor. Actually, she's the only one I've tried, but I discovered her while pregnant and just love her.
- Yesterday M and I went to the park as part of our jogging outing, and I did some sets of squats, bench push-ups, leg lifts and tricep dips
- I also try to do lots of walking, including with Y in the carrier, which is also exercise, even if I don't get sweaty

From the park where I did strength stuff while M played with sticks, dried leaves and dirt

We'll see how all this goes once my husband and I are both back at work, though I will say that working from home due to COVID will help fit in workouts. But for now, I can say that continuing to exercise, even in small quantities, when you have small children is not only possible, but essential - I will give up many other things before I give up my 20-30 minutes per day to stay active.

From the land of the sleepless

Baby Y is currently in his 6th week. Also known as the time of peak fussiness. We don't experience a lot of crying, but according to this book, recommended by many pediatricians, he still has colic. The author of the book writes that if your baby is bad at self-soothing and that crying is only avoided thanks to "heroic" soothing efforts by the parents (yes, ma'am), then he or she is colicky. That pretty much describes our situation. So yes, we are the lucky parents of two colicky babies. Thankfully our now-preschooler was a very sweet and cooperative toddler, and now definitely shows some three-nager characteristics, but is still fairly reasonable. Not to mention smart and adorable, so everything turned out OK. We just need to survive the next few weeks. One day at a time... I'm not sure how much sleep I got last night, but I'm pretty sure the number is below 6. I'm trying to not think about it too much to avoid feeling sad.

Weekend - beach and parks

We survived a weekend with both kids!

On Saturday morning we made it out to the beach. We went to Half Moon Bay State Beach,
which doesn't get terribly crowded, we've found, and also has restrooms. The plan was to meet up with friends who have a kid M's age and a newborn just a week older than Baby Y. Unfortunately Google Maps took us to HMB State Beach, but Apple Maps took them to HMB State Park. By the time we unloaded both kids out of the car and down onto the beach, there was no way we were going to go back and try to drive over to them, and I'm sure their thinking was the same. So we ended up talking on FaceTime instead for a bit while M played in the sand and Y slept in the Ergo. Whatever, we all got out and even socialized a bit. I consider it a success.

Both kids napped after the outing, and I was able to squeeze in a nap, too. In the evening we all went to the soccer field at the nearby middle school. It's unclear if we're supposed to be on school premises or not, most likely not. But somebody almost always leaves one of gate doors open and there are always other people using the field and the basketball courts. So if the authorities show up, will they reprimand the mature couple with two little kids or a bunch of teenage boys shooting hoops? Probably all of us, but at least there's safety in numbers. O cooked dinner - sausage with kale, black beans, corn, tomatoes and rice. Simple, delicious, and yielded plenty of leftovers to avoid having to cook again on Sunday. M ate the sausage, the rice, and some vegetable matter.

Sunday was less outing-heavy. We traded off watching various kids in the morning, I took another nap, and M and I went to the field again after naptime. Dinner was easy and we were in bed before 10.

Baby Y is one month old!

We've survived the first month at home with two kids!

The highlights:

• I feel like my family is now "complete".
• Baby Y is very cute. 
• M seems to like Baby Y and is excited to play with him. She exhibits some jealousy occasionally, but it's very mild. 
• I've gotten into a "routine" of mid-morning walks and park time with Y. I walk about 10 minutes with the stroller and sit on the bench and read "The Economist" on my phone for an hour or two. 
• M's childcare arrangement is working out pretty well still. So thankful for it.
• O is on leave for another two weeks. I'm so thankful that he didn't have to go back to work after two weeks...that's just inhumane, in my opinion. 
• We've had a lot of help from family for the first month, which was crucial. In August we'll be "our our own" - mostly because of COVID - and I'm nervous. Thank goodness this isn't our first kid and that we're both on leave. 

Sleep:

Baby Y is not a fan of sleeping unless somebody is holding him. And therefore our sleep suffers. At the moment, my husband is trying to get him to sleep and he's protesting. Again. Even though he's clearly tired. Sometimes (OK all the time) I think it's unfair that both of our babies have been bad sleepers. But of course we are very lucky overall. So I try to remind myself of that. I'm falling into the trap of trying to find "the strategy that will work for his sleep". Even though I'm probably better off accepting that he's just a bad sleeper, counting down the days and weeks until we can sleep train (most likely cry-it-out) just like we did with M at around 3.5 months, and just lowering my expectations of what I can "accomplish" during this time. Being a sleepless zombie won't kill me (unless I have to drive, but I don't really have to go anywhere) and whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am just tired of having needed to tell this to myself every day since I my pregnancy kicked into high gear in mid-October.

COVID:

The situation is just scary and discouraging, not sure what else to say about it.  I try to not read the news and just get important updates from my husband. I just can't or don't want to handle it right now. We are planning to send M back to preschool on August 3rd because her nanny/babysitter won't be available starting the following week  - her kids are going back to school, either online or in person, who knows - and she won't be able to watch M. I am nervous, but the alternative is having both kids at home all day every day, and my mental health can't handle that. If things continue to get worse, we might look into hiring a professional nanny and sharing with another family, but that poses a whole other set of challenges - the cost, the nanny's own social distancing, etc. We'll see.

Daily walks

Since coming home from the hospital, I've been pretty diligent about getting a solo walk in every day. During my first maternity leave, I walked a lot with the stroller. But this time a) we are working on getting the baby used to sleeping in a non-moving bassinet; and b) I am prioritizing non-kid time out of the house, even just for 30 minutes a day.

I'm a creature of habit when it comes to runs and walks, and I've been doing the same 1.5-mile route through a beautiful and quaint neighborhood where we will not be able to afford a home any time in the foreseeable future. And that's OK - I love that I get to enjoy walking through it every day without paying the price. I almost always listen to podcasts, though I sometimes force myself to turn them off and just be alone with my thoughts - something I've been working on especially in the last few months.

I am thankful that I have the ability to take this time to myself while my husband stays with one or both kids, depending on the day.

Life with a two-week-old

I have come out on the other side of pregnancy! Our beautiful son Baby Y was born on June 16th at 3am, a week ahead of his due date and after a fast 8-hour labor.

We've been adjusting to life with "kids", including the new baby. Oh, and during a pandemic that appears to be getting worse by the day. But I won't focus on that now.

I definitely felt like my heart was split open for a week or more after Y was born. Just feeling an overwhelming amount of love for everyone, and also anxiety about something bad happening to the people I love. I also had this overwhelming sense that I'm so incredibly lucky, and that my kids are so lucky to have all the privileges that we were born into. While those thoughts are generally good, it was a little too much of a good thing, but my hormones are calming down.

I believe I've learned some things during and since my first postpartum period that will help manage this one:

• I have become a much better napper, and now I'm pretty good about lying down and at least resting, even though I still hate napping
• Breastfeeding is easier this time because I generally know what I'm doing...it was a struggle for at least the first 6-8 weeks with M
• I'm not worried about "losing my identity" or anything like that - I know that the postpartum period is temporary and that what comes after it is just wonderful
• I'm reminding myself to savor this little newborn nugget because this will be my last one! This is more difficult to do when he's crying, but to me he's awfully cute no matter what

Speaking of crying, Y's big sister M had terrible colic starting three weeks old, and I'm worried that he will, too. So far he's been mostly cooperative, but I wouldn't call him an "easy" baby, and he does get gassy and fussy while nursing. M screamed bloody murder during each feeding for a few weeks, and I really hope we're not heading that way with Y, but maybe we're more prepared?

Overall, I'm so happy and fortunate that we get to have two little people in our family. They are definitely the light of my life...and on that note, the little guy is grunting and waking up to eat.

29 weeks pregnant/almost 4 weeks in quarantine

Random scene from a couple weeks ago

In a few days, we will have been in Los Angeles for four weeks. Tomorrow O and I are driving back to to the Bay because I have an OB appointment, and also to pick up some stuff, like summer clothes, food we left in the freezer, etc. When we left, we thought we'd be here for two, maybe three weeks. Ha! Looks like it'l be at least two months now. M will stay with the in-laws, and we'll drive back on Saturday.

It's been raining a lot here. Good for the plants and the environment. Not great for my summer-craving self. But LA is apparently at 100% of average rainfall, so there's that.

Work is chugging along. I'm more productive on some days than others, and I'm positive that I wouldn't get very much done without my beloved StayFocusd Chrome extension. The lure of the news, blogs, Instagram, and other random web surfing is just too intoxicating. I'm enjoying "Digital Minimalism" by Cal Newport, and hope to implement more and more of his recommendations over time.

I've been pretty disciplined about exercise. 30 minutes on the exercise bike each morning (not very strenuous) and a 20-30 minute walk each afternoon. Walks are becoming more difficult due to my pregnant form (just passed 29 weeks). The good news is that next week, I will be 7 months pregnant! And the following week I'll be only 2 months away from my due date. Until then, I'll just keep on "checking off" each day.

Podcast keeping me sane: "Best of Both Worlds", "Pod Save America", "How to Money", "Call Your Girlfriend" and "Happier with Gretchen Rubin".

Easy Saturday

Virtual circle time on weekdays

It's Saturday. We made it to the weekend. Thank goodness we are with family and not stuck at home right now. Today I was able to sleep till 7, take a nap, not have to cook or clean much at all, and go for a solo walk and journal for a bit. And I'm still struggling!!

I was mostly staying away from the news for a few days, but ended up spending an hour online today and just lost it. I'm sad about my own situation, I'm sad about the situations of others who have it a lot worse, I'm sad about the underlying problems in our country and in our society that have both aided this crisis and that are being exposed by it. I also feel powerless to change any of it. I can't be un-pregnant right now. I can't hire an au-pair. I can't wave a magic wand and overhaul the healthcare system in this country. All I can do is just keep checking off each day and hope that this experience will somehow make me stronger in the end. Unfortunately, I don't have the same hope for our country, particularly after having read this article.

Other notes and updates:

• O and I went for a walk around Toluca Lake, a very nice nearby neighborhood. I look forward to taking M there during the week since they closed the parks and beaches in LA until April 19th, and we will need a change of scenery.
• I have had less than one cup of coffee today and survived. Really trying to cut down my consumption because I feel like drinking more doesn't really help anything, and it's just an emotional crutch.
• Caught up with a couple of friends by phone and text.
• Received a couple of t-shirts from Nordstrom. I'm a big fan of these, my older ones are looking pretty sad now, and they are fairly long, so I'm hoping I can wear them until the end of pregnancy.
• Ate a yummy chicken dinner cooked by my MIL. I'm so glad I don't have to cook a lot right now.
• Borrowed and downloaded Celine via my beloved Libby app, on recommendation from one of my favorite bloggers. Hopefully it provides a much needed escape! I'm not particularly interested in watching TV these days, for some reason. I have been getting through The Wire for the last several months, but I need something more uplifting these days, and I haven't found it.

From a Griffith Park outing earlier this week. It'll be off limits for the next few weeks :(

Self-control and caution tape

Today I managed to not browse the internet or read any news until 6pm. I am very proud of this, though I was definitely feeling some withdrawals. Somehow people did this regularly before 1998, or whenever the internet became part of our daily rituals!

I had the morning childcare shift today, so we went to Studio City Recreation Area again. O dropped off me and M and drove off to brave Costco. The park is, thankfully, still open, but the playground is taped off. The weather was pretty good, with some light rain mixed into a partially sunny morning. This picture actually looks more sad than I felt while there...maybe because there were other people at the park, but they don't appear in the photo.

In addition somebody dropped off a bag full of bright plastic toys next to the entrance of the (closed) Rec Center building. The bag had Frozen characters printed on the side. M saw it and kept wanting to go play with it. She said, "Maybe we take it home?" Ummm...no. Why would somebody do this during a pandemic? Were they trying to torture little girls and their parents?

Off to do dinner and evening routine!