Another Fall week down!

Like most weeks, this one has had some good times and frustrating times.

Highs

- My sinus infection is finally under control, as are a couple of other minor, but annoying health issues. While I'm not 100% back, I'm no longer in danger of becoming addicted to Afrin.

- I just began listening to a really engrossing book, the Queen of Hearts by Kimmery Martin. Which I learned about from an old Best of Both Words interview with the author. The audiobook version was available immediately through Libby, but I had to put a hold on the e-book version. I'm about three chapters in, and I'm loving it so far!

- M has been sweet and affectionate. She just keeps developing, constructing new types of sentences, understanding new concepts. She also has been enjoying listening to "Peter and the Wolf" at mealtimes. I found a version narrated by David Bowie on Spotify...makes me feel a little more hip as I cater to a little human's food preferences (something that, of course, I swore I'd never do).

- My work schedule has been super flexible, which is such a blessing when you are sick.

- Getting enough sleep!

- Beautiful summery weather (though this one is double-sided)

- Living a seven-minute walk away from a hospital. Oh my, it is so convenient sometimes! I had to go three times in the last two weeks - twice for my own issues, and once to immunize M against the flu. Turned out that they have a Flu Clinic - had I known, I would've skipped my own trip to Walgreen's.

- Getting just a bit of running in despite feeling unwell...I was told that it would help open up the sinuses. And I think it helped.

From a late morning run

Lows

- I felt like $%!# for at more than half the week (after already being sick for a month), and definitely threw some mini pity parties for myself. I literally had to talk to myself out loud one evening to force myself to focus on all the positives in my life.

- Work has been meh. I didn't accomplish nearly as much as I wanted, partially because of my health, but also because of some bureaucratic challenges.

- The beautiful summery weather has resulted in more wildfires in California. Sadly (but predictably) it's becoming an annual occurrence due to climate change effects. And yet, we are still flying more than ever, buying SUVs and thinking that climate change is a problem for our kids to deal with.


I used to write in my journal and regularly evaluate each day. As in, "today was a good day" and "today was a bad day". Not sure if it's getting older or maybe my mindfulness "practice" having a small effect, but now I realize that it's almost never this simple. And certainly even more complicated when it comes to full weeks!

Favorite shoes for Flinstone feet

I hate my feet. Well, I love them for all they do - enable me to walk, run and kick a hypothetical attacker (which reminds me, I should sign up for a self-defense class). But I absolutely detest how they look. I was actually OK with them until college, when a friend said, "Wow, look at how huge your toes are!" Some time later, I was attending an "All-staff" meeting for a weird college job I had, and for some reason a guy stated in front of everyone that big feet are a turn-off for him. And that was before I started running hundreds of miles a year, developed bunions and ruined my little toes to the point that my husband refers to them as something from an alien movie. Oh - and my size is 10.5. Wide. With narrow heels. 

Shoe shopping is not fun for me. I have a long list of shoes that just don't work.

1. Any brand/style that doesn't come in a size larger than size 10 - and there are quite a few!
2. Annoyingly, many brands produce a size 10 and a size 11, but will skip 10.5. However, the size 11 is almost always too long and causes my heels to slip out. Sometimes this foot petal product can help, but usually it's no luck.
3. Many styles are just too narrow, particularly pointed-toe styles styles that squish my toes like crazy. The middle of my foot also frequently "overflows" some of the more open flats and sandals.
4. I feel self-conscious wearing sandals that don't mask my bunions. So cute styles like this one don't work.
5. I can't wear shoes that aren't lined with leather because the "manmade materials" lining makes my feet sweaty and uncomfortable.
6. Mostly I wear flats - my commute often involves a lot of walking, and I just can't lug a pair of heels with me in addition to all my other items - laptop, notebooks, lunch, water, etc. etc.

Thankfully, there is Cole Haan! Most of my favorite shoes have been from this brand. And the Tali Bow Ballet Flat in snake print is the best of them! I first discovered them two years ago, and have been devoted ever since. I just recently received my third pair because Cole Haan was having a sale on their website and I'm worried that these will be discontinued. They are very comfortable, go with everything, good for the business casual office, and don't show dirt/scuffs easily. And I'm far from an authority on style, but to me they are cute. Are they going to win a "fashion visionary" award? Doubtful.  But do they make it easier to dress for work and then go about my day? A hundred times yes!

Weekend recap

Finally! No more plain white wall.

Written on a Wednesday...

It was a somewhat busy, but also chill weekend after a few days of solo parenting. My mother-in-law was staying with us, so we had almost constant care and entertainment for M.

On Saturday morning, I went swimming, which felt nice, but I think it worsened my sinus infection (so I'm still sick - yay!) Then I tried on some pieces from my Trunk Club, which arrived on Friday, and kept one item - nude heels. Another staple checked off my list! Though I wonder how much longer until TC fires me as a client. I'm pretty sure I'm a revenue sink for them.

I napped during M's nap, and in the afternoon I decorated M's room with golden wall dots while listening to a couple of episodes of "Best of Both Worlds" (the rest of the family went to San Francisco to meet up with O's cousin). After M's bedtime, we watched the first episode of "Schitt's Creek", which was pretty funny, and did laundry. I'm trying to find a show that O and I can both watch now that we're through the "Better Call Saul" episodes that were available on Netflix.

On Sunday, I didn't work out to see if that would help me recover better (and no, I don't think it did). I also caught up on some work from the previous week, chopped lots of veggies for the Ribollita that we cooked for the week (it's become a favorite here). Took a nap in the afternoon, cuddled and read books with M after her nap, and took some family photos for potential holiday cards with my mother-in-law as the photographer. I've never done holiday cards before, maybe because it's never been a thing in my family, but I'm thinking of trying it out this year.

Prepping Ribollita. Bananas not part of the recipe.

Reading

I also finished Celeste Ng's "Little Fires Everywhere". I was able to borrow both the Kindle and the Audiobook versions through the Libby app, which was great because I could switch between reading and listening. Overall I had fun with the book. The plot was engrossing, I was interested in the characters, and I loved the late 90's references, since that's when the narrative took place. It was also interesting to read about the lives of wealthy American teenagers living at a time when I was a very-not-wealthy recent immigrant growing up in a wealthy community (Palo Alto, California).

What I most appreciated about the book, however, were the many discussions of motherhood, mothers' relationships with their daughters, some heart-wrenching narratives of mothers who were unable to have children, as well as a mother who was separated from her child (which brings tears to my eyes even as I am typing this). After finishing the book, I read a review in the Guardian by an author who states that he doesn't have children and wonders if that's why he doesn't care about the stories about children and babies. Yes!!! As a mother, I found those stories deeply engrossing and emotionally triggering. Which also made the reading satisfying.

However, I also did feel like something was missing from the book. Some of the characters seemed a little too one-dimensional to me: Mrs. Richardson the Perfection-seeker, Mia the Rebel, Lexie the Smart-but-shallow popular girl. The male characters, other that Moody, perhaps, were even more shallow and glossed-over in the narrative. I also felt like some things were over-explained - the author would have been better off leaving the reader to interpret the metaphors on their own or to use their intuition a little more.

Overall, I'd recommend this book as an easy, engaging read - but I didn't find myself changed by it.

Ideal morning

My favorite Miir travel mug

I love mornings.

My typical mornings have varied over time, through jobs, living situations and family responsibilities. Also, I don't think there is a "typical" morning, but maybe more like an "average" one.

The current one goes something like this:

5:30am - wake up after at least 7.5 hours of sleep, but ideally 8 (though I almost never go to bed at 9:30pm). Do one or more of the following:

• Drink coffee :) - always
• Read something that requires more focus - like maybe a history or science book, Russian poetry, or maybe finally "The Affluent Society". 
• Journal
• Plan day/week/do some work planning
• Blog

6:10 - get ready and work out, either starting with a short strength session followed by running, or only running

6:50 - return home, stretch, maybe do a 5-minute meditation

7:00 - shower; if M isn't up yet, I do some food prep, pick up, etc.

7:20 - M is almost always up by now. O leaves for work.

7:20 - 8:30 - M time. Take M out of her crib, read a couple of books, change diaper, get her dressed. Go downstairs for M's breakfast. She usually eats overnight oats with almond butter and a few dried cranberries these days, or she eats cereal. I consider the overnight oats a win! And it's so cute to hear a two-year-old say "overnight oats", something I never would have imagined I'd experience as a mom!

While M eats breakfast, I do some food prep on our kitchen "island" so I can interact with her. We also listen to music, either what I call my "Spin Class Mix" - motivational pop songs, or some lighter classical music, like Swan Lake. I consider the classical music another win, as I really don't want to start my morning with Dora or Baby Shark (and I save them for when she gets restless in the car).

The walk probably seems much longer to her than to me

The we finish getting dressed, brush teeth, and are out the door for our two-block walk to preschool. Some days M walks, other days she asks to sit in the stroller. I love this walk, and I love seeing the smiling teachers at her preschool. It helps that she loves preschool, too, and usually happily waves good-bye to me.

My company has two offices in the area. After drop-off, I either drive to the local office or walk to the train to San Francisco, depending on the day. Some days I work from home.

So here it is...I can look back on this in a couple of years and see if and how it's changed.

Fun times

M eating a croissant during an outing to Ocean beach

I'm continuing to deal with some minor, but ongoing health issues. Just one small infection after another. Ugh. However I'm trying to keep up the positive spirit, especially because my husband is traveling this week and I'm solo-parenting for a few days.

A few things I'm thankful for:
1) Access to quality medical care, not to mention the fact that the hospital is a 5-minute walk from my apartment.
2) Flexible work schedule and location. This is just awesome, and I try to not take it for granted.
3) The fact that it's a slower period at work right now, so I can afford to take care of personal stuff.

Unrelated, here are some photos from the last couple of months that I'd like to look back on and remember.

Gotta stay limber!

During a San Francisco outing

Another beach day with my friend Liz! M was most interested in washing her hands in the bucket of dirty water.

We made it to a summer concert in the park!

Leaving on a jet plane

Today I am flying to Las Vegas to visit family again. I'll see how much last month's Fear of Flying class will help my anxiety. I'm looking forward to the short trip, especially because the weather will be more conducive to outside activities.

Speaking of activity, yesterday I ran a couple of miles slowly and carefully, and didn't feel terrible afterwards! So hopefully I'm exiting this bronchitis bonanza.

Just a gratuitous sunrise picture from a past run

On a less positive note, many in the Bay Area (including my manager and friends who live in the East Bay) have been without power for the last couple of days. I happen to live in an area that wasn't affected, but it could've just as easily been us! Last year we had the smoke lingering over the area for a few weeks. Now this...it's all related, and it's all climate change. I've tried to do something about it for many years, and I'm just tired. 

Last night I attended my daughter's preschool "Back to School" night, and by "attended" I mean that I spoke to one of her teachers for about ten minutes about M's progress. Seems like she is thriving, has a lot of energy, has made a best friend, and apparently is a bit of a daredevil (though I am still skeptical, I feel like she's fairly risk-averse like me and her dad). 

I am so thankful for M's teachers! Every morning during drop-off, we are both greeted by so much warmth, so many genuine smiles. The preschool is just a magical place, and I feel good about spending a very significant amount of money on this - I won't write the exact number, but it's more than many mortgages.

Books: I am finally reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lammott, and I can definitely understand why she is a popular author. I recently finished her Almost Everything and really enjoyed it. It was nice to feel like somebody understands me - I guess that's why we read! I generally don't re-read books, but these are ones I may purchase and review from time to time. Not sure if everybody is like me, but I can use a very frequent dose of hope. 

Back in action?

My tupperware salad...and my new pink Crocs! They look much cuter in the photo than in real life.

I am back in the office this week after working from home for almost two weeks due to bronchitis and other travails. I also ran 2-3 miles on Monday and on Tuesday, and it seemed to make things a little worse. Or at least not better. So I'm forcing myself to take a rest day today again. It's 10am, and I'm antsy. I think only compulsive exercisers will understand that "forcing myself to take a rest day" is really not a humble brag. Those of us who feel like they MUST HAVE endorphins to be decent at work, as parents, and basically not have everything fall apart...it's not a healthy attitude, but yep, that's me most of the time.

On a different note, I am determining to focus on potty training M. She has been resisting using a potty, and I've mostly been nonchalant about it. So far, I've been asking (when I remember), "Honey, do you want to go sit on the potty?" She would say no, and I would move on. Oh, and there has been  the occasional, "If you start using the potty, we won't have to change you diaper." Which I'm not sure she can even process. But starting today, my husband and I have agreed to be more firm. If she cries and really protests and looks traumatized, we will stop. But otherwise, potty it is.

I tried it this morning after breakfast. She resisted, as usual, but then agreed to sit on the potty and read a book. Nothing came out, but she was happy and didn't want to get off for a little while. Is this guaranteed to work again? Absolutely not! But I'm hoping that we'll see some progress. It turned out that her "best friend" at preschool is also starting potty training, and her teachers will encourage M to join her buddy. Let's just hope that M is susceptible to positive peer pressure, but will never be tempted to smoke in her life.

The allure of Amazon

I have been a member of Amazon Prime for many years now. I probably got sucked into it with a discounted student membership during grad school, I don't even remember. As a parent who works outside the home, I find it SOOO convenient. I would probably feel the same way if I was a stay-at-home parent - who wants to drag their toddler to a bunch of different stores in search of household items, childrens' products, books, etc.?

I just bought a bunch of items in the last few days:
- Natives shoes for M
- A pair of Crocs for myself (decided I need to stop wearing flip flops while cooking after almost dropping a knife on my foot the other day - and I don't like wearing slippers)
- A baby-proofing doodad for M's room
- An organic pillow and pillowcase for M
- DIAPERS!
- Toddler silverware
- and probably a couple of other items I'm forgetting

All this took about 30 minutes, but would have taken many hours and discomfort to accomplish in brick-and-mortar stores. Worse, it seems like stores just don't carry many of the items I need, plus the Toys R Us near us closed a couple of years ago, and Target's kids' items section is more limited.

But...I feel guilty. I think about the carbon emissions, of course. And stories like this heartbreaking one.

Here are a few things I try to do, with mixed success:

- Avoid buying things we don't need
- Plan ahead and choose the "No rush" shipping at checkout. Maybe that's a little bit better?
- Contemplating cancelling my Prime membership. I considered not renewing it a few months ago, but ended up caving. I don't remember why exactly.

Ultimately, I assuage my guilt by saying that I'll stop this practice when I'm done having young kids. Oh, and that everybody else is doing it, so what difference do I make?

I don't believe I can stop using Amazon without completely rethinking and modifying my life. And that's just sad.

Working through respiratory infections

I was sick this past week due to continued bronchitis and then a cold that seems to have developed on top of it, so this week's happenings have been influenced by my health.


Self
I've been sleeping enough this past week, mostly. Except for the one night I went to the AMAZING Vampire Weekend concert with one of my best friends. I was so excited after that I couldn't fall asleep until 1:30 or maybe even later...and then woke up at 6 or 6:30. Other than that, I've been mostly going to bed before 10 and waking up between 5:45 and 6:30 without an alarm.

I also joined our local health club, which is awesome. It's got so many amenities, though mainly I joined it for the pool, and it has been great. I decided that I didn't want to run with bronchitis, and that swimming would be easier on my lungs. Not sure if that's actually been the case, but it's been enjoyable, and a good break for my IT band and other leg joints/muscles that have been stained by daily running.

I swam on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Ran (very slowly) on Wednesday. And went for a sunny beautiful walk today.

Family
Mostly the usual routines - playing and taking M to preschool in the morning, spending time in the evenings. My mom blessedly decided to pick M up from daycare and take her to their place (about 45 minutes away) mid-day Saturday. I picked up M around 11:20, played with her for about 30 minutes, and then Baba showed up. M was very excited, as usual. It's Saturday afternoon, and she's been hanging out over there since Thursday. O and I have been able to rest and get things done around the house.

Trying on Abba's slippies

Work
It's the start of the new fiscal year at work, and this week has largely consisted of planning for next year. I've been reading Deep Work by Cal Newport and really trying to incorporate his practices into my day. I've had a little bit of success so far, but I'm hoping to make it a regular practice, and it will hopefully become a little easier and a lot more fruitful over time.

The plan for tonight is drive to my parents' place for dinner and bedtime with M, spend the night, and drive back tomorrow morning with a stop to meet a friend and former boss for coffee.

Cooking for the week
This Chicken Stew, found through LagLiv - link to her recipe for last week's chicken stew!

Fingers crossed, I'll be over this stupid cough by Monday.

Building a wardrobe

I think I have finally settled on a general "philosophy" for selecting and purchasing clothes (though a discussion about my relationship with clothes and shopping requires a much longer post).

I only want items that meet the overall overarching requirement: they make getting dressed and out the house easier - mostly for the office, but also for workouts, casual weekend days, going out, and events that require more formal clothing.

A few additional requirements:

• Comfortable throughout the day (not too tight, easy to layer, not itchy)
• Flattering (NO brown sweaters or skinny white jeans)
• Current and reasonably stylish
• Will last for at least a couple of years (not weird trends, like those cold-shoulder tops)

These aren't easy requirements to meet, and ensuring that my wardrobe contains only clothes that pass this screening will require discipline and thought. And patience. But hopefully applying them will keep my from agonizing over items that are "maybes" (like the cute Madewell leather jacket I recently tried on that had a horrible chemical smell and was a little too short). Or even worse, deciding to keep "maybe" items and then never wearing them (like the beautiful but itchy DVF coat I bought form $200 last year at a consignment store).

Anyway, here is a reasonably complete list of items I'm currently seeking. I work for a business casual office that leans more toward the casual side.

• Mid-color jeans (my favorite ones are close to getting holes in them)
• Olive skinny jeans
• Pointy-toe flats
• Cardigans
• Blazer-ish jackets
• Sweaters
• Button-down shirts
• Leather jacket (not sure still if I should choose "vegan" leather instead)
• Another pair of skinny or straight black pants

I'm going to keep this list in mind as I shop (or do Trunk Club/Stitch Fix) this fall.

Fear of Flying

I took a fun and informative "Fear of Flying" workshop yesterday. As a fearful flyer, I've wanted to take a class like this for a while, and it was awesome to see it offered at the San Francisco Airport!

I've had a fear of flying since my teens. It was very intense until my early 20s - I would dread flights for days ahead (preparing to die), be gripped with fear throughout each flight, and drive instead of flying if it was at all possible. When I was in college, I opted to take a 20-hour bus to train to bus Amtrak sequence to Los Angeles instead of a 1-hour flight.

In my mid-20s, I had a job that required me to travel at least once or twice a month. The constant exposure helped, and most flights were under two hours. While I don't think shorter flights are much less "dangerous" (in quotes because flights really aren't dangerous) than shorter ones, the shorter flights just didn't allow my anxiety to build so much.

Over time, I also learned more about the mechanics of flight, the heavy regulations imposed on the industry, and the very, very rigorous hiring, training, certification and professional conduct requirements placed on pilots. This helped. So did getting my general anxiety under control.

However I still do get nervous on takeoff, during turbulence, and sometimes during landing. On our recent trip to Israel, I had a breakdown during a bad turbulence episode - after the pilot told the flight attendants to sit down, I just lost it, almost waking up my sleeping toddler. On a following flight from Las Vegas, I almost grabbed on to a passenger next to me during a somewhat bumpy takeoff. So...not great.

The course was offered by a nonprofit called Fear of Flying Clinic. They offer one-day workshops and four-day in-depth clinics that include a "graduation flight" to Seattle and back. I took just the workshop, though the full clinic would probably be really a really fun and enriching experience, even for those who aren't afraid of flying.

About 20 people attended. Most of them shared my fears, many had more intense ones. A few said that they avoid flying, choose to drive or even cancel trips and events, and/or fly only while heavily medicated. Sounds familiar!

The course was led by a team of a volunteer moderator (a former graduate of the course), a clinical psychologist and practicing therapist, and a super experienced pilot.

The agenda kicked off with an introduction to some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy concepts and techniques (e.g. exploring the relationship between the environment, thoughts, feelings, physical responses and behaviors). While I was familiar with the content from all my general therapy experience, it was.

The pilot's presentation was long and awesome! It featured an overview of pilot hiring and training requirements, an overview of the plane components (wings, engines, etc.) and how they work in flight mechanics, and a discussion of the major anxiety-inducing components of the flight: takeoff, landing and everybody's favorite, turbulence. I was pleasantly surprised by the length and thoroughness of the presentation! I thought that the pilot's presentation would be an hour max, but he reviewed a lot of information and answered TON of questions from the class attendees. It was cool that most of the questions asked were usually ones I also had, even if I had forgotten.

We wrapped up by further review of CBT techniques, including identifying cognitive distortions and lead to irrational thoughts and beliefs. We also discussed the importance of experiencing anxiety rather than avoiding it. I think this was one of the most powerful parts of the class. The therapist reiterated that all anxiety ends, and the more you allow yourself to get to the peak and then let it end naturally, the easier it will be to manage. I think the beauty of this guidance is that it applies to all anxiety-provoking situations, not just to flying.

Am I cured of my fear? Hell no! But hoping that I can get to a point when I feel the same about flying as I do about walking down the street.

Last six months

The last six months have been relatively calm and stable. Not too many huge changes, which has been nice for actually making progress at work, organizing the house (OK, not really, but thinking about it), and focusing on longer-term plans. And watching M grow and develop, though I try really hard to prioritize and be mindful of that regardless of what's going on.

Since we moved to our new apartment in February, there have been a number of events and milestones.
- M turned two in June, and we celebrated
- We had an excellent family weekend away in San Diego
- We traveled to Israel to visit my husband's family
- Visited Las Vegas to meet my new niece!
- Weekended away in Monterey/Carmel with some friends
- I finished a couple of big projects at work

Love having a sweet newborn in the Ergo while ALSO being fully rested!!!

I'm not yet sure what the next six months will bring, but I'm starting to plan. Some goals I have:
- Make some progress about next career steps
- Contribute to society (through volunteer work or in some other way)
- Start doing more play dates for M (now that she really seems to start enjoying them)
- Keep good relationship and communication going with my husband...maybe with more date nights and adventures

Will share more specific goals in a later post.

Weekend in Monterey

Last weekend we went to Monterey. It was beautiful and relaxing.

We went for three reasons:
- My husband's brother and his family were going to be there for the weekend
- Our friends (who have a kid the same age as M) wanted to go somewhere for the Labor Day weekend
- Monterey is fabulous

Accommodations
We rented a 3-br 2-ba AirBnB in Carmel, in an area in the hills, among ranch houses. We decided to splurge a bit on a bigger place because we figured we'd be spending a significant amount of time there - with two 2-year-olds who nap and go to bed around 8, it's necessary. The total cost for the weekend was about $900, and the bulk of it was the rental.

Food
We also kept our food costs down by buying groceries, so we had breakfast, snacks and grilled tacos for dinner one night. We got Vietnamese takeout the other night.

Fun
- On Saturday, we went for a "hike" in Point Lobos. It was more like a beautiful and short nature walk. M was initially scared to walk on the path, and then we didn't want her to walk on the path because there was very dense poison oak along both sides. Omer carried her on his shoulders most of the time, and I tried, as well. Thankfully we did get out to the water, and the view was quite enchanting, especially because it was after 5pm and the sun was starting to set.
- On Sunday, I went for a short but lovely run in the morning, and then took M to the aquarium. I enjoyed seeing the fish and the otters, but M was scared of...pretty much everything. She was OK with the penguins, I think. She did love the indoor play area, though we could've just as easily had that experience by going to a playground.
- Met up with brother-in-law, sister-in-law and Mila's cousins for lunch at the The Grill at Lovers Point.
- My mom was really interested in taking Mila for the night, so O and I drove her to Gilroy and did the handoff. I felt a bit conflicted about it because I also wanted to spend more time with her, but it's always nice to be able to have a relaxed dinner and to sleep in the next day.
- Went for a quick wine tasting with Lee afterwards while Omer grilled.
- On Sunday, O and I went for a nice run, had a leisurely breakfast and chatted, packed and cleaned up, and headed back around 1pm.

Definitely a worthwhile and memorable trip.